So many thoughts are coming in my head as I sit at this computer. I hope I will be able to write them all without confusion.

Well, I’m laying on my bed reading “The Notebook.” I have read it once but I have to read it again because I have to compare and contrast the movie and the book. But as I lay on my bed reading about the love and passion between Noah and Allie, I can’t help but to think about the times of when I was with Stephen.

I have seen the parallels between my life and the book. It’s so hard to explain, but I honestly don’t think I could move relationship wise until I talk to him. I have so many things on my chest that I need clarification on. I just have so many questions to ask about what happened. Why things didn’t go the way we had planned. Why he shredded my heart into tiny little pieces.

And what sucks about this is that I can’t get involved with anyone else because I know that I will be holding back and not giving 100nd I don’t want to cheat that person of that. I hate admitting this because I want to hate him for what he has done to me, but I can’t. He was my first love. He has taken a part of me with him everywhere that he goes and I have of him. I can rid myself of him because he’s always tormenting my mind. It’s like a rash that I can’t get rid of. I have no choice but the live with it.

It was him that makes me run away from commitment because I don’t want my heart to be torn again. I don’t think I will love ever again because of what he’s done. I hate him for that but at the same time…. I don’t. I do think have I done the same to him. Part of me hopes that I did so he could get a taste of his own medicine. I know it’s wrong to say but damnit that’s how I feel.

I am really going to hate finishing that book and then watching the movie because I will envy their relationship with each other. I wish it could be something that I could have in my life but I know that I can’t. Not until I dump off the extra baggage that has been holding me down for years.

BUT IM STILL IN LOVE WITH  HIM!