I sit in my chair at my internship and wonder did I make the biggest mistake of my life. I have a visitor come and see me this morning. I didn’t know what to do when I saw him at the door but I let him in anyways. Why? I have no idea. We start talking and then talking lead into something else. Something I am starting to regret. Just when I thought I was over someone and I had conquered my goal, WHAM, I am back to where I started. I guess I am weaker than what I thought. But I can’t hide the fact that I still love this man. The worst part is that I know it’s not going to work between us because a certain issue on his end.

Why is it so hard to hide your feelings from someone when you care a lot about them. For example, I met someone a while ago and I really liked this guy and he liked me. Now after a few weeks I start to ask myself why? Why do I like this person when they never call me? Why do I continue to text this person when they never respond? Why do I get into a bad mood when they don’t show up to places we usually hang out? Why do I let myself get put into situations like this? WHY?!?!?!?! If I could answer any one of those questions I would be fine. But until I can I will still be asking myself, why.

I start to think to myself the reason why any of my relationships last. It doesn’t matter how many times I think about this question I get the same answer. His name is Stephen. Stephen was my first true love. I loved that man with all my heart and I still do to a certain extent. He was my first in everything aspect of my life. I know that if I had went to college in ATL instead of TN I would have married that man and I would be happy at this moment. I wouldn’t have to worry about ever finding someone that would fill his shoes. I would never have to worry am I going to be a lonely single woman for the rest of my life because I can never find happiness?

Is there someone in this world that will be mine forever? Who knows. But until then I will continue to live my life the way I only know how.